Stress Management and Self-Care - Why Is this so hard?

Throughout life, we look forward to the next phase – becoming a teenager, going to college, graduating, having a career, getting married, having children…and then one day we wake up and realize we pretty much have all of those things – a fabulous career, a great home, wonderful friends, an amazing partner, and a beautiful child --- it’s all there…but along with all this splendor comes less time to enjoy it. We have more debt from obtaining the degree that provided the great job, less time in general because of the added housework that comes with owning a home, less time to spend with the amazing friends we’ve acquired because we have partners, and less time for our partners because we have children, and less time with our children because we are so busy trying to balance everything...Despite the stress, we seem to be doing an adequate job of juggling everything (work, family, friendships) until we become aware that we ourselves are depleted of the energy to continue giving to others.
Self-care, or “practicing what I preach (though I don’t preach to my therapy clients),” has always been the one aspect of my work that grounds me…that reinforces that I am in fact good at my work because I live it every day – reframing thoughts (CBT), being mindful of my experience and value focused (ACT), exercising assertiveness (Interpersonal therapy), engaging in exercise regularly (behavioral therapy), focusing on gratitude (positive psychology), and valuing relationships/social interest (Adlerian therapy). Lately, however, the energy available to devote to this self-care (which makes me a better therapist, friend, wife, and mother) has been lacking. On an intellectual level, I recognize this…but on an emotional level – I feel guilty asking to spend time alone when my full-time job and private practice already limit the amount of time I can spend with my daughter and husband. As a woman, I think I have to ask myself the same question I would ask a client in a similar situation – “If this was a friend, how would you advise her?” Of course - I would tell her to take care of herself. It also seems important to recognize what the feeling of guilt I am experiencing reflects. Someone might interpret the guilt as a sign that spending a weekend alone is wrong; however, I think the healthy way to interpret this feeling is that it simply means I care about my child, I am a good mother, and taking care of myself will improve the quality (maybe not quantity) of time I am available to spend with her.
Today’s blog relates to my decision to stay home this weekend while my husband and daughter visit his family. I enjoy spending time with my in-laws, but right now I feel the need to spend time with myself – after realizing in my own therapy session (yes, we therapist receive our own therapy and highly recommend it!) that I have not spent a weekend alone since meeting my husband 3 years ago. Women, here’s another important point – I could spend time ruminating about how others may perceive my absence or my decision to be away from my daughter --- but I’m not going to do that! It does not matter what other people think. Repeat that to yourself: IT DOES NOT MATTER WHAT OTHER PEOPLE THINK! Most of these thoughts are irrational and only assumptions anyway, so don’t torture yourself! Again, assertiveness (valuing your own opinion) can help with this – when you fully accept yourself and make yourself a priority, it does not matter what others think – this gives you power – not power over others, but personal power to show vulnerability without fearing it will be used against you. What holds us back in life is our inability to be genuine and vulnerable due to fear of what others will think or how they will react…so let me make this easy for you - the probability is 99.9% accurate that others will identify flaws in you (based on their different backgrounds, values, etc.) – so how about just accept that and realize they might just love you anyway.
The Point:
1.       Take time to reflect and be present in your life – it works wonders for your stress level
2.       Take care of yourself first – it is your best resource for helping others
3.       Accept your flaws in the context of recognizing how awesome you are – this is probably a more accurate view of how others see you anyway

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