How Developing Relationships with Strangers Can Improve Life Satisfaction

As a therapist, I receive a variety of reactions when disclosing my profession to others – mostly positive, but there are occasional comments about how difficult it must be to listen to others complain all the time. This impression is likely influenced by the media, like the famous Geico commercial:

Therapist Commercial 

Therapy, in reality, is quite different than it is portrayed on television. I won’t go into specifics – because after all, therapy is confidential but I’d like to share some insights and then speak more generally about the benefits of interpersonally engaging with strangers – not just as a therapist, but as a person.

 Sometimes people provide the feedback of how nice it must be to help others, but this observation of therapy doesn’t exactly fit with my experience or conceptualization either. Many people may actually enter the profession with this noble goal of helping others, but this expectation also likely leads to a lot of burnout. The onus is not on the therapist simply to help or direct, but rather provide an opportunity for the individual in treatment to help themselves. As humans, many of us are quite good at caring for others, but less patient and empathic with ourselves. We also have great potential to problem solve, which is occasionally stifled by self-doubt. As a graduate from a counseling psychology program, this is how I conceptualize therapy --- but I want to also acknowledge that not all treatment providers would agree with me – and my goal here is not to argue who is right or wrong. Again, as I mentioned in a previous entry, this blog is only about my thoughts – and does not stand to represent the assumptions of all psychologists.

Therapy, or my understanding of therapy, is that it provides an opportunity to connect, collaborate, and be a witness to someone’s life – their inner dialogue, their stories of resilience, their fears, struggles, goals, and accomplishments. I also want to point out that this does not mean we just “repeat back everything” that is said to us – as my brother contends. Therapy is an art form - it provides an opportunity to be creative…otherwise it would be a boring job to simply teach techniques. A professor of mine once related it to cooking (not that I know how to cook anything, but I get the point) – we are trained on human behavior – how it develops and how change occurs, and we understand a variety of techniques that unblock barriers to growth – but similar to the true art of cooking, it’s about creatively experimenting with ingredients in a way that allows the rich flavors of the meal to emerge rather than simply following a recipe.

During my social psychology course in graduate school, we spent an entire semester reading articles each week and somewhat debating about the basic human need ---- and as an Adlerian Psychologist, you probably already know where I stand on this issue. I believe the basic human need is – the need to belong or connect to others. I’ve been doing therapy since 2008, and my belief is that most all psychological problems relate back to the interpersonal domain (I’m not diminishing the influence of biology – but I do believe in the diathesis stress model – genetics may set the stage, but environment packs a pretty powerful punch).

All of this being said, our world today is oftentimes non-conducive to the development of connections – specifically connections with strangers. It is helpful to connect with family members and friends, but I’ve observed that we sometimes minimize these connections. For example, they love me because they have to….or we’ve been friends for so long, they feel obligated to call…or worst yet – we lose touch with family and friends as we become too involved in our own work lives or whatever else may be distracting us. The point is that interactions with strangers also influence how we view ourselves and the world – Are people in general caring? Am I accepted by others? Do I have something worth contributing to conversations?

As most of you know, I like to identify strategies for improving overall life satisfaction, and from my experience – the time that I have taken to connect with strangers and generally be interested in their lives has added to my life satisfaction. There are individual differences, so I’m not suggesting this useful to everyone – but what’s the harm in trying?

An example from today...I ran into a man named Solomon on my way into work ((FYI: I asked permission before writing this blog and sharing his personal story) --- I could talk about him using a vague term (the employee at UMB) but that sounds impersonal and unfitting for my description of such a personable, friendly guy. Solomon works in the IT department on the same floor of my building, but he is the only person open to conversation in the mornings (I get it, some are not “morning people”…and some are not “people” persons). We always exchanged pleasantries and occasionally spoke about family when I became pregnant and he disclosed having twin daughters. This small part of my day always seemed to have an impact – it creates a connection where you begin to see others as more similar to yourself than different. A few months ago, Solomon stopped me on the stairs in passing, and I noticed how the previously upbeat look in his eyes had changed – he revealed news of a diagnosis of cancer. He was undergoing treatment, but still I could see that his unwavering confidence and positive attitude had been affected– how could it not be? This morning we met on the street on our way into work, and he appeared himself again - his smile, his charm, his positive attitude – the cancer is gone, and his appreciation for life and the time he has with his family feels that much more valuable.

I wanted to write this to point out how we rarely know what others around us are facing on a daily basis – and oftentimes we get too distracted by our own egocentric thoughts to find out about others – to understand that they are more similar to us than different and more open to us than we think. Those people passing you on the way into work are mothers and fathers and someone else’s children. They have families like you and they have struggles like you --- Do yourself a favor and open yourself up to learning more about others –it’s not about helping them, it also will help you, your mood, and your outlook on life. If you view the world as an open, positive, encouraging place, you may also discover yourself in a more positive light.

1.       Take time to speak to a stranger – maybe someone you pass every day on the way into work, but know nothing about

2.       Examine your attitude toward the world – is it positive or negative…Now examine your attitude toward yourself, is there any connection between the two?

3.       Engage in a positive act of kindness toward others - research suggests this predicts greater life satisfaction