A Day Alone…A Beneficial Activity for ALL WOMEN – Even the Extroverts!

Have you ever observed how young girls in elementary school seem more confident and outgoing than older females...Sort of like they are more free and courageous? For example, my 6 year old niece Mollie (see picture) visited a month ago, and I heard her yelling to the neighborhood boys, “what are ya’ll a bunch of lazies, why don’t you come play with me?!” As little girls, some of us are not even deterred by the thought of doing something alone if we really want it…For example, I wanted to ice skate from the first time I read a book about Kristi Yamaguchi and watched her skate in the Olympics. Finally, my parents decided to take me, and I skated from 5 p.m. to closing all alone because I loved it so much. I did not seem to mind what people thought as I clumsily fell multiple times, nor did I care that I was alone for the duration of my skate. I’m not really sure what I was thinking at the time (because that was about 20 years ago), but I suspect that I was just “being in the moment” without the lovely gift of egocentric negativity that comes along later thanks to puberty.

The Point is that something happens because of hormones, gender differences in our society, and the body changing (a necessity - as if our society has forgotten) – which causes young girls to silence themselves, to become unfamiliar with who they are, and to deny themselves the things which make them happy. Maybe the hormones, which contribute to emotional outbursts at times result in being reprimanded by parents? Maybe girls are told to “act like a lady” (whatever that means)? Maybe they physically start to change and as a result feel “disconnected” from their bodies and out of control? Yes, eating disorders may result at this point, when a young girl reaches for or rejects food as a way to cope with uncomfortable feelings, in an attempt to regain control, or because her perfectionistic tendencies cause her to focus too rigidly on this one aspect of her life – BUT – this self-silencing and lack of self-esteem (which occurs during the adolescent years) affects many WOMEN… not just those who develop eating disorders…this can also manifest as depression or anxiety ---- it’s just what happens as a result of becoming disconnected from oneself and too busy to evaluate and reflect upon what’s happening.

My questions for women:
  • When is the last time you spent 1 day alone? Not a girls’ weekend away from your partner and child, but time with yourself…alone with your thoughts?
  • Are you afraid of what it would feel like to eat alone at a restaurant? Are you afraid of how others would perceive you? Are you afraid of your own thoughts?
  • Are you unsure of what you would even want to do?

If you struggled to answer these questions, this is exactly why you need to try this exercise. Spending time with other women is important, but the exercise of being alone gives you the unique opportunity to evaluate how you enjoy your own company. For example, are your thoughts positive or negative? It also provides time to reflect on things that really matter to you (e.g. appreciation for your partner and family, what you want to achieve, how gracious you are for what others have done for you). If you are afraid of what it would feel like to eat alone or fearful of how others would perceive you – THIS IS WHY you also could benefit from it – avoidance reinforces insecurity – Being able to sit with uncomfortable feelings and challenge negative self-talk about how others view you is empowering. Figuring out what you want to do alone (what food you want to eat, what movie you want to see, etc) helps you value your own input without turning to others to make decisions.

I predict that with practice (yes, this is like learning to play an instrument –you have to practice!) most women would increase their life satisfaction as a result of this activity. You may have to “fake it til’ you make it” (a popular therapy statement), but with time – you will grow to love and cherish your “me” time as I have. I was fortunate enough to learn about this in graduate school because, as a psychology graduate student, the word “self-care” is constantly discussed…but just because it is learned does not mean it is practiced….and if it is not practiced, it simply does not work! I live by example, so here it is:

Today was a “Me” day. I attended yoga this morning – an opportunity to challenge my perfectionism (I am out of practice, but there is no “right way” in yoga…the point is simply to practice, challenge yourself and reconnect to your body ----I’m no yoga guru, so that’s just my explanation of how it works for me). I also had my hair cut/colored at a local Salon (All About Me Day Spa & Salon – if anyone in the Towson/Baltimore area needs a stylist) where I had an engaging conversation about self-care with my awesome Hair Stylist Amy (see picture)! I love connecting with other strong, confident, beautiful women – and Amy is a favorite because of our similar approach to loving others and ourselves (yes ladies, it is not narcissistic to say you love yourself)! Amy even took a trip to Italy, one of the most romantic places on earth, alone because she appreciates her own company - that’s not weird or sad – it’s awesome and that’s how we should all feel about ourselves! She now has a partner, and they just returned from a vacation in Mexico, but Amy maintains that she would never allow the lack of a partner to stand in her way of an awesome trip! We also had a conversation about how long hair and blonde hair seems to be what is popular in our society, so we cut mine and colored it dark --- it’s still beautiful and feels even better because it’s what I WANTED --- without consultation from others. I enjoyed a delicious lunch at 7 West (another plug for a good dining experience), and I’m off to see a movie! I hope you all have a blessed day…each and every day, and I hope some of those days are spent alone.












The Point:

1.  Spend a day alone every once in a while - the relationship you have with yourself is likely one of the few, if not the only, relationship you will have throughout your life

2. Find a way to reconnect with the spirit of the young girl who remains inside you…she has a lot of wisdom to offer

3.  Take a risk and be willing to feel uncomfortable– the benefits will far exceed the feelings of comfort from avoiding the unknown

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