When it feels like you’re falling apart…how to put yourself back together

 Today was one of those days…My daughter had to be changed as we were walking out the door, the gas light came as we drove to the train station – this results in a debate about whether or not it is more important that my husband be on time for work or for me to be on time for my job interview this afternoon. After Matt complied with my gas station request, I realized I forgot something else and had to return home after dropping him at the train station. Then I end up in a debate with myself over whether it makes more sense to drive into the city or take the train. I choose option A, which resulted in a traffic jam on 83…On top of this fabulous morning, I was also unable to prepare for my interview after a full day at work and 2 private practice clients last night...I’m feeling pretty hopeless, so how on earth do I begin to regroup?!

1.       Mindfulness – focus on breathing when all else fails (Mindfulness, Acceptance and Commitment Therapy)

2.       “Do the next right thing!” (Relapse Prevention Techniques)

3.       Reframe thoughts about the interview (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy)

4.       Search for Meaning (Adlerian/Existential) – look at the bigger picture

Mindfulness - As Matt exited the car, he attempted to provide support and encouragement by telling me “take one thing at a time.” (By the way, we therapists hate when our partners learn our techniques and attempt to use them on us)…My initial reaction was “you don’t understand what I’m feeling”…but then I realized he was right. I used the trip home as an opportunity to focus on my breath as a way to calm down.

“Do the next right thing” – Anyone could see how this chaotic morning could put a negative spin on the rest of my day, so the goal had to become figuring out how to turn things around. This usually involves vulnerability – challenging yourself to do something you don’t feel like doing. In my case, I had to talk with my husband about my behavior this morning. The guilt of being impatient with my husband would only add to my stress today, so that was the clear place to begin…

Reframe negative thoughts – After having a significant number of interviews and almost as many first dates when I was younger, I’ve discovered a helpful technique to address anxiety in these situations. Somehow, we find ourselves in the egocentric mindset…like a middle school girl with low self-esteem – it’s all about us…on an interview and on a first date (ladies, this message is for you…). First, there likely are other possibilities your date/potential employer are considering…but before you start comparing yourself and feeling like this is a performance you have to perfect (snap out of it, you aren’t in 7^th grade), please remember the following:

a)      “Match” or “Fit” is the goal – we tend to compare ourselves as though job applicants and dating partners fall on a continuum of worst to best, which is not the case. When you magnify what others have that you are missing, you end up lacking confidence and the ability to show off what you do have.

b)      Reframe - You are interviewing them too – we as individuals tend to be approval seeking (let’s just admit it), but again – when you focus on your performance, you are missing the opportunity to evaluate if this is a good “fit” for you.

Search for meaning – maybe this is not the best fit and you are too stubborn to realize it…Let’s all face it, sometimes we get in our own way. Think about the partner you dated and maybe had a hard time getting over and you thought all would be right with the world if they just gave you another chance…actually, they weren’t a good fit the first go around, but you were too stubborn to see that...Have faith that maybe things happen for a reason and maybe you don’t know everything.

The Point –

1)      Life is hard enough – don’t add to your own difficulties

2)      Be vulnerable – it’s a lesson we don’t usually teach in this day of Sheryl Sandberg “Sit at the table” and be confident messages. (This is a good message by the way, but again…everything in moderation – you can be confident and humble, strong yet vulnerable)

3)      Participate in self-care – you are the only one that can provide yourself this gift