Numbers, Letters, and the Unnecessary Way They Make Us Feel

First of all, I want to discuss numbers…The numbers on a scale, a standardized test, and in our bank account can have a great deal of power over us…if we allow it.

The Bank Account:

Luckily, the bank account comparison has yet to impact my self-esteem because I live in a neighborhood of young people where we all commiserate about our mortgages, student loans, and lack of compensation for the work we do.

Weight and Size

As a woman, of course I fought the battle of negative thoughts associated with numbers on a scale and numbers inside the hem of my pants, but thankfully that’s a war I can confidently count as a victory.

Numbers on Tests (associated with achievement) ----

I think I’m on the winning side of this war, but it has also been a difficult battle…I’ll start with the dreaded standardized test scores. I still remember sitting in Ms. Guthrie’s 2^nd grade class when I took my first standardized test. Across from me sat Tandi Vinson and to my right was Jacob Boudreaux. As Ms. Guthrie read the instructions trying to normalize the fact that we “might not know all the answers and that was okay,” I felt my stomach in knots and tears began to roll down my face. Tandi announced to the teacher that I was crying, so when Ms. Guthrie came to see me, I said I was sick and was excused from the room…Also, I missed approximately 26 days of school that year because of my perfectionism and fear of failure.  Every day I missed, I went back to school feeling further behind and worrying I would never catch up. Luckily 2^nd grade is not that challenging, so I was able to catch up and somehow learn to cope with standardized test anxiety until the big one came – the SAT for college, which was later followed by the GRE for graduate school. I’m telling this story because we put a lot of stock in standardized tests these days, and I honestly don’t think they tell us much at all – especially smart kids with anxiety.  I have avoided topics about these numbers in academic settings for as long as I can remember. I also refused to allow my classmates in Dr. Phelps’ cognitive and psychological assessment class to give me the WAIS (IQ test) because of my “impostor syndrome” (as we refer to it in psycho-babble) – basically the fear that everyone would discover that I had no business in a Ph.D. program. Well, today I’ve decided to hell with all of this and similar to my dealing with body image issues – I’m going to go beyond acceptance to affirmation of what these numbers reflect in my life. So, here goes…. I scored a 1010 on my SAT and a 1070 on my GRE – for those of you familiar with these aptitude tests – you are aware that these scores are not good (to say the least). Maybe my IQ is average (or less than) or maybe my anxiety inhibits my ability to perform – either way, I think these scores are something to be proud of because somehow I managed to achieve a Ph.D. and pursue the work I love despite these scores.

On to my discussion of Letters…

When I was in grad school, I had a conversation with a friend pursuing a Ph.D. at another institution. I was going on some rant about how Ph.D.s are the biggest scam going and that we were too far in debt to turn back. I decided somewhere along the way that I could’ve been a therapist with a master’s degree and a lot less debt if it were not for my own insecurity and belief that I needed a Ph.D. by my name to be qualified.  

My friend shared her adamant dismissal of my comment and asserted that a Ph.D. means everything. When you walk into a room – you are automatically given respect regardless of what comes out of your mouth…(I still disagree with this comment, but anyway)….Then a few years later a natural disaster hit and this friend became so involved in the relief efforts that she set aside her Ph.D. aspirations in the name of helping others. Earlier this year, she was on television at the White House receiving recognition for her efforts and probably a lot more respect than she would ever receive from having a few extra letters by her name. This friend also has probably the highest IQ of any of my friends, but ----- I recognize her as brilliant (not because of her aptitude scores) – but because she followed her passion to do something meaningful.

Another person close to me had a tumor on her brain as a child, which mildly affected her cognitive abilities in an academic sense. She, however, discovered at an early age that she loved nursing. During school, we had conversations about her self-doubt and I reinforced that true intelligence is not about a number on an exam. Intelligence (at least my definition of IQ) is about determination and finding a way to do what makes you happy even when it is a struggle. She graduated last year and is making a difference every day in the lives of others. Again, another person I recognize as brilliant.

One last thing, this lesson finally came to me after providing therapy to a graduate school population (law students, medical students, dental students,  Ph.D. students, Pharmacy students at UMB) – a school of students who come from a wide variety of backgrounds ranging from community college to the top ivy league schools (Princeton, Yale, Brown, etc) – guess what, even with degrees from the most prestigious institutions, many of these students still experience impostor syndrome ---- there are no numbers or letters that will ever be enough to make you feel good about yourself if you don’t already know your worth.

The Point

·         These numbers and letters are neutral stimuli until we give them power

·         Please ---- parents, do not put too much emphasis on any of these numbers – it will only hurt your children --- instead, inspire them to find their unique passions and chase those passions with an unbounded sense of determination

·         As an Adlerian Psychologist, my belief is that you can overcome insecurity if you fulfill 3 needs:

1.       To Connect

2.       To Feel Capable

3.       To Contribute

Your job is to determine what these words mean and how to fulfill these needs…