“What I have to do” vs. “What I am able to do”

As a reformed perfectionist, I still sometimes wake up overwhelmed by the obligations of my day. As my eyes open each morning, my mind swarms with thoughts…What time do I need to be at the office? How many clients do I have scheduled today? Where should I take my 2 year old to play today? Should I empty the dishwasher or fold the clothes? Should I take the dog for a walk or try to make a cycling class at the gym?...Overwhelmed and exhausted by my thoughts, I usually want to crawl back under the covers, but luckily I’ve found an approach to coping with this experience that is both motivating and fulfilling.

When we change the question from “what should I do” to “what I’m able to do,” and we begin to see life as an opportunity rather than an obligation – it feels like a completely different experience. We tell ourselves that we have to worry about these things in order to be “productive” when in reality the worry takes the joy out of activities that could be fun. Life often does not go our way and there is not enough time in the day to do most of what we feel the need to accomplish, so why not try an alternative approach?

The days I appreciate most are those when I am mindful of what I feel like doing and stay present during those activities. As a reformed obligatory exerciser (you know the thoughts: I have to exercise X amount of days for X amount of time), I do not believe in making myself go to the gym. Movement of our bodies via playing with kids, cleaning the house, taking a walk, etc. – is all “healthful” – and you do not have to spend time in the gym each week to accomplish this. On some days, however, I do wake up craving a spin class or a jog at the track…but these occasions are rare – maybe a handful of times per month. I do not suggest that this approach works best for everyone, but as a reformed perfectionist seeking to be mindful, flexible, appreciative, and open to the freedom lack of structure affords – this is my way of doing things...

Previously, the swarming thoughts sometimes served me as a very “productive” person but other times left me feeling exhausted, depressed, or searching for validation in an unhealthy way. Using ACT (Acceptance and Commitment Therapy), I observe my thoughts but then redirect my actions to be consistent with a mindful, calm approach to living.

This morning I had the rare urge to try out a class, so I went to the gym only to discover that I misread the time. My former “rigid” self would have probably returned home annoyed, but I instead went for a walk on the track and appreciated the quiet time to set positive intentions for my day. When I returned home, I surveyed the house chores – again the thoughts would previously start swarming (this and that, and there is no way I will finish before my 12 o’clock client today). Again I push the thoughts aside and spot the new steam cleaner my husband bought the other day.  I found an opportunity to challenge myself with putting it together, which involved multiple mistakes and ample opportunity to practice mindfulness. I decided to just see how much of the basement I could steam clean without the expectation of finishing the job (previously, that was a huge part of my anxiety – having to finish everything I start). Of course, I forget to put the plug in the bottom of the steam cleaner container I was filling with soap and water, which then spills all over our kitchen floor when I remove it from the counter. Again, an opportunity to practice observing and not reacting. As a result of wasting most of the small bottle of soap that accompanied the new steamer, I only had enough to clean part of the room before preparing for work. Did I mention that I also cut my finger, while slicing a cantaloupe for lunch….so this has been my day, and it’s only 1 o’clock.

The point is that every day is like this – multiple opportunities to worry, become stressed/frustrated, and lose our cool. The problem is that high anxiety over a long period of time is bad for our physical health, mentally distracting us from the things we actually care about, and paradoxically causing us to be less motivated and productive.

I hope my personal examples above illustrate that I’m not one of those “easy going,” “care-free” individuals who always finds the glass half full. The point is that we don’t have choice over the stressors and struggles in life, but we do have a choice in how we choose to cope and on what we choose to focus. You can spend your life worrying and fighting off fears of inadequacy or moving toward the things that really matter. I personally choose the latter, which is what allowed me to leave the chores yesterday and spend the day with my daughter at Port Discovery. Spending time with children also provides multiple challenges for remaining mindful, but also multiple opportunities to appreciate the simple things in life…like playing in the water J