Amanda Helen Howard

 

As I waited on my number to be called at the Social Security office today, I contemplated my decision…my kids do have the name Pileski, and Matt and I are together, so should I reconsider this decision? I tend to go with the Acceptance and Commitment Therapy philosophy that we are either moving toward what we want or running/hiding/escaping that which we fear. Those questions I mentioned above are really more about fears like "might I later regret this decision" rather than focusing on why this name change is what I want.

First off, I selected the new middle name, Helen, because it was my paternal grandmother’s name. She was a fierce, stubborn woman who was known well within the family for standing her ground. At her funeral, many people spoke of her strength, and somewhere it was written “Mama was a storm. Not the kind you run from, but the kind you chase after.” During the divorce, my depression convinced me I was a storm and perhaps not best for my children. Remembering my grandmother in those dark moments, I recalled that similar to that quote, my children could indeed love me for my strength. I was reminded that the beauty of woman and mother does not have to be of a soft, feminine nature. This connection to my grandmother got me through a really difficult period, and it has changed who I am and my appreciation for attributes I once questioned. I am different now, and I think a name change is a nice way to symbolize this.

Deciding to return to Howard as my last name was probably the more complicated decision in this small town. For starters, this would mean that my sister-in-law and I would now hold the same name – Mandy Howard. Also, as a psychologist, people would now be more likely to recognize my family name, which might deter them from seeking treatment. But again, I chose to refocus from possible worries to why it might be important to reclaim my family name. In short, on the spectrum of family cultures, I would place the Howard family on a much more individualistic end of the spectrum, whereas the Pileski family falls somewhere more collectivistic. Neither of these is particularly good or bad, there is just greater independence on one end and interdependence on the other. 

As traditional and old fashioned as it may sound, I do believe that taking another name reflects a sense of belonging. In the past I wanted to belong with my partner's family, but I don't really feel like that best reflects my place in the world any longer. I think I've always needed a certain amount of independence and support to be my own person. I need to know that I am not reflecting the group as a whole, and I have freedom to independently think and express myself. I want to be authentic and an interdependent culture with a hierarchical structure just doesn't work for me. Simply put, I think the Howard culture is more nurturing to my spirit and soul. In this life, my top priority is to grow the very best version of myself mentally, physically, and spiritually to better support my family, friends, and patients – and I think I will do this best as a Howard.