Addressing the COVID-19 Meltdown

These past two months of the COVID-19 pandemic have been a perfect shit storm for my mental wellness. Just normalizing for anyone else out there who might be circling the drain with me.

A general outline of therapy interventions to help: Identify the problem -> Normalize and Validate difficult feelings -> Examine what values are being challenged -> Make meaning or provide a positive reframe -> Examine personal role in struggles -> Develop a self-care plan

Identify the Problem

1)      The huge portion of my time spent on mental health advocacy in Rabun has been an uphill battle with countless disappointments too ridiculous to name. We have NO community mental health clinic in our entire county, and somehow people think this is okay.

2)      My aunt who was basically a second mom to me as a child died by suicide in April.

3)      My family members criticized my efforts to end the silence related to mental health in my family. My aunt and cousin said I was "focusing on the wrong thing" (mental health?) and they did not want our family to look like a "bunch of crazies." If someone died of cancer, would you not discuss their battle with cancer? If you cannot talk about someone's battle with mental illness when they die by suicide, clearly you are contributing to the stigma that perpetuates suicide.

4)      I had a massive fight with 2 of my closest cousins about their conspiracy theory and extremist/fundamental type Christian Faith focused on COVID-19 and the “the mark of the beast” in the book of Revelation. One of my cousins told me that I should probably just leave Rabun. She apologized the next day, but we also know there’s truth in what people say after a cocktail mixed with anger.

5)      The hours on end of telemental health are draining me of the fulfillment I once felt about my work prior to COVID-19

Normalize and Validate Difficult Feelings

Currently, I want to move to the beach and have a pointless job and never speak about mental health or to my family ever again. That’s where I am, so I’m going to allow myself to sit here and soak in these feelings. I once before felt this way…so incredibly hurt and angry that only a period of separation and time helped.

In all fairness to my cousins, they all texted/called today to say “we love you regardless” and some comments were made about how I might need to find a way to “cope better” with my work and not take on “the feelings” of my clients. This is a fair point. During the time of COVID-19, I have not kept up with regular clinical consultation, personal therapy, regular exercise, and other self-care…so yes, the overall “heaviness” of listening to struggles during this pandemic is hard. I think, however, my cousin’s point was that she believes I’m taking on feelings of my LGBTQ clients rather than what I am doing – BEING A SOCIAL JUSTICE ADVOCATE. You see – psychologists & especially COUNSELING PSYCHOLOGISTS are very grounded in social justice work. We work with individuals, but also take any and all opportunities to challenge unhealthy and harmful systems and ways of thinking. Social justice advocacy is just as important to us as providing individual therapy. People all exist within a culture and context – we aren’t created in a vacuum.

I tried to think of how I would work with a patient in my situation. I would probably normalize how anger is healthy, and there is most likely a challenge to something and/or someone you deeply care about involved. For example, grief = anger/sadness because of all the love you felt for your loved one. I tried to identify the 3 values in my life most affected by numbers 1-5 above, and this is what I discovered:            

Examine Values Challenged

a)       VALUE 1 = My Faith. The conversation with my cousins highlights why people dislike “Christians” and how these extreme views push potential and past believers away from God. Faith is the rock of my life on which everything else rests. I see meaning in life, suffering, and my mission to help others via my Faith. A relationship with God is sacred and loving and nothing that extremist Christians turn it into. It’s like a relationship with our earthly parents. Do we fear their disapproval when young, but later realize they love us unconditionally regardless of our choices. People should not be taught to live their lives in fear. That should not be the driving force in our adult lives. The Bible is a book to inspire rather than threaten followers of God. It’s an example of how to treat others. We have to grow in our understanding of Faith the same way we grow from children who only understand what is bad via “punishment” into adults who understand the complexities of moral development. So, yeah it makes me angry when I hear conspiracy theories linking politics with Christian faith and knowing this type of thinking is an actual threat to not only the mental wellbeing of vulnerable young people whose parents buy into this bull**** but also to the wellbeing of our nation. People refusing vaccines because they think it’s the “mark of the beast.” Social anarchy because people think COVID 19 is a ploy to shutdown the economy and somehow take over. I’m not even sure who “they” are except the media they mention, which I’m guessing is fed by Donald Trump’s assault on fake news… Anyway, yes – this level of dangerous ignorance is worth getting angry about.

b)      VALUE 2 = Family Belonging. I am the minority in my family attempting to challenge cultural norms / religious systems / and norms of secrecy that have dominated my family and this geographical region for centuries. Not that these issues are exclusive to this area – I just happened to be discussing our norms which YES means RABUN COUNTY. This is where my family becomes deeply offended and defensive assuming I’m implying everyone in this area or everyone who is not college educated is ignorant – which is most certainly NOT true.

-          If you don’t have adequate exposure to people who are different from you – THAT’S A FACT – not a judgment on intelligence because of where you live

-          There are plenty of individuals in NYC with Ivy League degrees who are just as limited in exposure and clueless about social justice

-          If you are suggesting that news around the world (e.g. COVID-19 deaths in Italy) is “fake” – you obviously have no contact with anyone who lives in that part of the world. 

c)       VALUE 3 = My Career. My life mission and spiritual endeavor of helping others with mental health issues has been challenged by general pushback for change in Rabun and by my own family questioning mental health advocacy when mental health struggles have so deeply affected us. It honestly makes me feel hopeless. Also, part of the anger related to the conspiracy theory/religion discussion is related to the fact that this is the MAIN CONTENT OF DELUSIONAL PSYCHOSIS for most people. Even my aunt's 1 prior psychotic episode was related to delusions of government control. Of course, my cousins seem to think mental health delusions are related to demonic possession which as a psychologist makes me want to scream and circle back around to how *ignorance (lack of education on this specific topic)* kept my aunt from receiving the professional help she needed.

Make Meaning / Positive Reframe

I want to end this on a positive note, so here goes. Life is a paradox. Those you love the most can cause you the deepest hurt. Values that matter most to you will also ignite the greatest anger within you. Although I’m covered in a haze of anger, resentment, hurt, and grief currently – I know my feelings will pass with time, but I feel I’ve most certainly lost my aunt Trudy and the family I had prior to all this. 

Examine Personal Role 

Also, it's important to examine one's own behavior, so yes - I regret allowing my anger to get the best of me. I know I need to work on my acceptance of the dominant religious teaching in this area because it is a part of the culture regardless of the harm it may cause. I need to work on my language and saying things in a way it can be heard. I need to remember the quote "be kind with people, be ruthless with ideas." I asked several times to not have the discussion with my cousins when it started. I'm grieving the loss of my aunt, which feels like the most difficult challenge in my life so far. I knew I did not have the emotional bandwidth to deal with this conversation, and I regret that I did not walk away earlier.

Develop a Self-Care Plan

- Take an indefinite break from the community project. Cancel all mental health task force meetings for the foreseeable future
-  Start walking and practicing mindfulness/meditation again daily
- Spend time with the kids, Matt, and my parents
- Separate from the extended family for an indefinite period of time
- Seek interactions with supportive friends and family who share similar values
- Schedule clinical consultation and individual therapy in order to better cope with work challenges
- Find a new hobby - a healthier use of time rather than the almost 2nd Job the community project became

When nothing else works ~ use humor to put your experience in perspective:
My sweet friend Angie told me this song reminds her of me “in all the best ways possible.”
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=WBUxinJhntk

It also helps to focus on the hugs of my sweet boy and remember a time when being with family was easy...