How I’ll Discuss Sexual Assault and Consent with My Children
If my mom happens upon this blog post so be it, but I can hear her now: “Mandy, you don’t have to share all of your thoughts and experiences with others...especially when we live in such a small town!” In response to this, I can only say that I share my own thoughts and experiences in hope of helping someone else who is equally confused or trying to find their voice/opinion in this dichotomous, angry spirited, political climate we find ourselves in these days. Also, to anyone fearful to publicly share your story or insights due to judgment for your past decisions or who you may offend at some point in the future - you are a different person today than you were in the past, and you are free to continue to grow in your wisdom as you age.
I want to be clear on my stance as a psychologist/counselor/therapist:
-Sexual Assualt happens to a number greater than 1 in 5 women (previous statistic)
-Alcohol intoxication, clothing, where you find yourself late at night, etc. are no reason for someone to violate your body without consent
-Our physical bodies respond to sexual stimulation regardless of whether we are raped or consent
-If someone tells you they have been assaulted, I would believe them every time because these individuals know they are putting themselves on the stand just as much as the perpetrator
-Fight, flight, or freeze is a real thing - many individuals freeze and later feel guilty when this was a physiological response to a threatening situation (NOT CONSENT!)
Now as a mother of 3 children (2 girls and 1 boy), this is where I find myself reflecting on a few different experiences in my life:
In high school (age 17), I went on spring break with friends (my brother and his now wife were part of the group) and a guy I had been dating. I made it clear during the weeks we were dating I was not ready for a sexual relationship, and he respected my decision. On the other hand, I also knew we were sharing a room and planning to drink alcohol. (AGAIN, I feel like alcohol intoxication or even sleeping in the same bed with someone else does not give them permission to violate your body). The part where this gets confusing looking back on it: I was very heavily influenced by my Faith at the time to believe promiscuity was a sin - what feels like the most shameful sin growing up in the Baptist Faith...and also based on what my parents emphasized. I understand now as a parent, they wanted me to be thoughtful about my reputation “especially in a small town” and not find myself pregnant, but I didn’t have the same context to understand my parents as a kid. I’m sure another Baptist would say “All sins are equal” or “Drinking Alchohol was just as bad” —- but I’m sharing my world view and what I was brought up to believe. So, I also know (based on a lot of psychological research) our memories of events long ago are pretty terrible, but I’m guessing I probably had conflicting feelings like many young teenagers do when faced with this type of situation. I’ll never know for sure if I took that second shot of fireball with the hopes of not being responsible for my indiscretion or if I totally trusted that person to be a perfect gentleman, but I will teach my children to think long and hard about the consequences of alcohol intoxication.
Several years later I found myself on a spring break trip in graduate school in Miami. My girlfriend and I met a few guys at the Delano Resort (super swanky place). I’ve always been a very trusting person, and this has been the only experience in my 35 years I regret having this attribute. We were about to leave the resort to meet up with some friends, and the guy told me he had to change his pants because he spilled a drink (the stain was there and it seemed legitimate). He was not pushy at all, but simply asked if I wanted to check out their suite for a minute while he changed in the bathroom. He seemed like all the other nice guys I knew, so I trusted him. I was lucky - I fought back and was able to leave the situation safely, but not without an intense feeling of guilt and shame...that I still feel when writing this. Sexual Assault happens, and I was very close to being part of that statistic.
Later as an adult women at age 27, I met my husband and father of my kids. He took me out to the Charm City Roller Derby and to dinner at Jack’s in Canton, MD. We had a nice evening, and I planned to meet up with my pre-doc intern buddies in Fells Point after. Matt asked if he could join me, so I allowed him to come meet my friends. Long story, slightly less long - we ended up back at his place in Canton —— but as in every other dating situation, I made myself very clear of my PG (okay...PG-13) intentions. The point is that he listened, respected me, and did not push boundaries the same way every single other guy (with the exception of the one Miami incident) had for the last decade.
Now, How I’ll talk to my kids:
I WILL TALK TO THEM ABOUT SEX (about how special this can be within the context of a committed relationship; about how the frontal lobe of the brain is not developed until the age of 25 and it’s difficult to make an informed decision before that time; about the importance of choosing for oneself what you want without influence from others or expectations about how others will feel about you; about the influence of alcohol; about precarious situations that can be extremely dangerous and the importance of safety precautions/buddy system; about the importance of clearly articulating boundaries and intentions —- but also to know they can always come to me (and will NEVER receive judgment nor intrusive questions) if they feel violated in any way.
This is not a response to any specific case or situation of assault because I do not know the intentions of those young individuals — only they know, and I do not have a context for understanding their experiences. I do know, however, I am glad we are having these conversations and I empathize with all the survivors of sexual violence around our world. It happens far too often & I hope we are all teaching our young boys and girls to be respectful, responsible, and loving human beings. Unfortunately, the political climate of the day tells me we all need some work in these areas.
I want to be clear on my stance as a psychologist/counselor/therapist:
-Sexual Assualt happens to a number greater than 1 in 5 women (previous statistic)
-Alcohol intoxication, clothing, where you find yourself late at night, etc. are no reason for someone to violate your body without consent
-Our physical bodies respond to sexual stimulation regardless of whether we are raped or consent
-If someone tells you they have been assaulted, I would believe them every time because these individuals know they are putting themselves on the stand just as much as the perpetrator
-Fight, flight, or freeze is a real thing - many individuals freeze and later feel guilty when this was a physiological response to a threatening situation (NOT CONSENT!)
Now as a mother of 3 children (2 girls and 1 boy), this is where I find myself reflecting on a few different experiences in my life:
In high school (age 17), I went on spring break with friends (my brother and his now wife were part of the group) and a guy I had been dating. I made it clear during the weeks we were dating I was not ready for a sexual relationship, and he respected my decision. On the other hand, I also knew we were sharing a room and planning to drink alcohol. (AGAIN, I feel like alcohol intoxication or even sleeping in the same bed with someone else does not give them permission to violate your body). The part where this gets confusing looking back on it: I was very heavily influenced by my Faith at the time to believe promiscuity was a sin - what feels like the most shameful sin growing up in the Baptist Faith...and also based on what my parents emphasized. I understand now as a parent, they wanted me to be thoughtful about my reputation “especially in a small town” and not find myself pregnant, but I didn’t have the same context to understand my parents as a kid. I’m sure another Baptist would say “All sins are equal” or “Drinking Alchohol was just as bad” —- but I’m sharing my world view and what I was brought up to believe. So, I also know (based on a lot of psychological research) our memories of events long ago are pretty terrible, but I’m guessing I probably had conflicting feelings like many young teenagers do when faced with this type of situation. I’ll never know for sure if I took that second shot of fireball with the hopes of not being responsible for my indiscretion or if I totally trusted that person to be a perfect gentleman, but I will teach my children to think long and hard about the consequences of alcohol intoxication.
Several years later I found myself on a spring break trip in graduate school in Miami. My girlfriend and I met a few guys at the Delano Resort (super swanky place). I’ve always been a very trusting person, and this has been the only experience in my 35 years I regret having this attribute. We were about to leave the resort to meet up with some friends, and the guy told me he had to change his pants because he spilled a drink (the stain was there and it seemed legitimate). He was not pushy at all, but simply asked if I wanted to check out their suite for a minute while he changed in the bathroom. He seemed like all the other nice guys I knew, so I trusted him. I was lucky - I fought back and was able to leave the situation safely, but not without an intense feeling of guilt and shame...that I still feel when writing this. Sexual Assault happens, and I was very close to being part of that statistic.
Later as an adult women at age 27, I met my husband and father of my kids. He took me out to the Charm City Roller Derby and to dinner at Jack’s in Canton, MD. We had a nice evening, and I planned to meet up with my pre-doc intern buddies in Fells Point after. Matt asked if he could join me, so I allowed him to come meet my friends. Long story, slightly less long - we ended up back at his place in Canton —— but as in every other dating situation, I made myself very clear of my PG (okay...PG-13) intentions. The point is that he listened, respected me, and did not push boundaries the same way every single other guy (with the exception of the one Miami incident) had for the last decade.
Now, How I’ll talk to my kids:
I WILL TALK TO THEM ABOUT SEX (about how special this can be within the context of a committed relationship; about how the frontal lobe of the brain is not developed until the age of 25 and it’s difficult to make an informed decision before that time; about the importance of choosing for oneself what you want without influence from others or expectations about how others will feel about you; about the influence of alcohol; about precarious situations that can be extremely dangerous and the importance of safety precautions/buddy system; about the importance of clearly articulating boundaries and intentions —- but also to know they can always come to me (and will NEVER receive judgment nor intrusive questions) if they feel violated in any way.
This is not a response to any specific case or situation of assault because I do not know the intentions of those young individuals — only they know, and I do not have a context for understanding their experiences. I do know, however, I am glad we are having these conversations and I empathize with all the survivors of sexual violence around our world. It happens far too often & I hope we are all teaching our young boys and girls to be respectful, responsible, and loving human beings. Unfortunately, the political climate of the day tells me we all need some work in these areas.
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