How to help kids learn NOT to emotionally eat in life

Having 3 small children of my own, I know (all too well) the temptation to use food in order to reinforce certain behaviors in children. Honestly, this sometimes seems like their only motivator, and I have been guilty of this myself on several occasions. Also, I believe you have to do what’s necessary to keep your own sanity as a parent, so if this is what works for you…keep on it, and maybe try to incorporate some additional reinforcers along the way. We are all in this together – moms and dads – and I’m just trying to share a little parenting info from the one area I somewhat understand.

Before I share some suggestions, let’s all take a deep breath and have some empathy for our parents, for ourselves, and for our tiny little humans that sometimes drive us crazy. I’ll use my own experiences and statements to hopefully normalize these issues rather than pointing a finger about what actions contribute to disordered eating. I also need to clarify that eating disorders are the result of biological, psychological, and social factors --- parents are not to blame.

Example 1: My daughter is upset during her first soccer game. She sits down on the sidelines and refuses to play. She pouts and whines, and I feel totally embarrassed as I observe all the other children playing and parents watching. I try some encouragement, but it does not work. I resort to “Hadleigh, I’ll go buy you an icy pop at the concession stand to help you feel better.” She cries a little more until I actually go buy an icy pop and give her a few bites. Finally, she returns to the field.

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      How did this work? In a way, this was successful because she overcame her anxiety or fear or whatever was going on and played soccer for the first time (remember: moderation and flexibility: parenting this way occasionally is not a failure)

-          How could this be harmful? If this reinforcement is used often, my child could fail to develop other coping skills for managing difficult emotions. She may avoid feelings by using food to alleviate anxiety. She may begin to confuse emotional hunger cues with physical hunger cues. She may make less healthful choices in food based on emotional hunger rather than physical hunger.

-          How could this situation be handled differently? Kids benefit from parents mirroring/validating their emotions. Self-esteem, confidence, and security all come from having feelings validated by parents. Children and adults with eating issues often have a difficult time identifying emotions because they become so disconnected from their feelings. We want children to know that their feelings matter and even sadness, anger, or frustration serve a purpose in our lives. Maybe try:

§  “Hadleigh it seems like you might be nervous about your first game.” (reflecting feelings)

§  “It’s okay to be nervous.” (validation)

§  “I was nervous too at my first soccer game.”

§  Obviously if a kid continues to avoid soccer or another sport, it would NOT be helpful to let them quit. Additional strategies and reinforcers may need to be used. All kids are different and what works for one probably will not work for all children (my 3 kids are very different).

§  It’s also very hard as parents to not give into our emotions and take the easy way out. If I’m embarrassed by my child’s behavior, I want the instant gratification of stopping her from crying – just like she wants the icy pop)…but delayed gratification and moving toward my values of parenting well will cause us both some short term discomfort but provide a much greater long term reward.

Example 2: Hadleigh eats all of her dinner, and we reward her with a dessert. (This is a behavior I am working hard to change). At first, I wanted to model for my kids that there are NO GOOD FOODS and BAD FOODS. I personally think it is very helpful to incorporate (appropriate amounts) of sweets/snacks daily to avoid overindulging. Research actually supports that most people who maintain their weight practice this type of behavior…I also wanted Hadleigh to eat her vegetables, so desserts somehow evolved into a reward for eating other foods.

-          How did this work? In a way it was helpful because she understands that all foods are okay to eat in moderation. Hopefully she won’t rigidly classify foods and try to “control” eating habits – which results in an inability to eat intuitively. She also likely won’t experience the increased desire for satisfying foods because they are not labeled as “bad” in our house.

-          How could this be harmful? She now has been conditioned to believe that sweet foods should always follow dinner. This is also directing her away from intuitive, mindful eating. This pairing sweets with dinner meals has become a habit rather than a reaction to physical hunger.

-          How could this situation be handled differently? Desserts can be offered less often (remember moderation and flexibility) but still regularly enough to acknowledged the need for all types of food within a balanced diet.  

-          Remember as parents this is difficult, and it is not black and white. You have to practice moderation and flexibility in your approach. Parenting is an ongoing approach of recalibrating your actions based on the reactions of your children. It’s sort of like a dance – you have to work together and you can’t be rigid!

Example 3: Hadleigh scores a goal and we take her out for ice cream to celebrate.

-          How did this work? In a way, it validates her feelings of happiness for an accomplishment and shows support from parents

-          How could this be harmful? She may begin to always pair celebration with food. Sometimes this is okay, but we want to help our children learn other ways to celebrate and reward themselves. In a fast food world and a society with extremely large food portions – we could be setting our kids up for health issues if this is the only way they know to celebrate

-          How could this situation be handled differently? On occasion utilize this approach – it’s okay…but on other occasions provide other reinforcers: take her to a movie, take her to play at jump zone for a mommy/daughter date, just spend some time talking with her about what it felt like to score the goal and express interest in how she developed the skill to score the goal.

-          We, as parents, oftentimes want to celebrate with food too because it’s how we were raised. Just remember to try and mix it up sometimes.

I spent 10 years studying psychology to understand this stuff, I work with patients who have these issues every day, and I spent many years of my life dealing with and overcoming these issues…and it still is very complex to understand, and I’m CERTAINLY NOT PERFECT at parenting. I just encourage you and myself to keep recalibrating with our children (keep dancing) every day and meeting their needs the best we can by being reflective and willing to change for what is in their best interest.