I am NOT a CHILD psychologist

At one point in my life, I declared that I did not want to have biological children and instead wanted to adopt.  Part of this decision was based on the fact that my mother grew up in foster care, and I wanted to give back in some way because of my gratitude to those who chose to love her. The other reason for this choice was my fear that I would not be a good parent. I naively thought that if I selflessly gave to a child without parents that regardless of my shortcomings as a parent, I would be providing love the child might not otherwise have. Then I met my husband, fell in-love, and surprise we had a baby…and then surprise a few years later we had another baby.

Today was one of those challenging days as a parent where I began to think THANK GOD I AM NOT A CHILD PSYCHOLOGIST! After thinking about this statement and why I even felt the need to declare that I’m not a specialist in the area of child psychology, I had another thought…this is going to be even more difficult when my girls are adolescents and adults --- the population whose behavior I am expected to actually understand. Then I returned to the fear I mentioned previously about not being able to be a good parent.

Today I was served a good dose of reality and a reminder that we are all constantly moving toward improvement, and that perfection simply is not attainable regardless of one’s profession. My mom and I were eating at a Willy’s restaurant in Atlanta. I corrected my almost 3 year old several times about being out of her seat…she always likes what is on my plate rather than her own (again, I don’t really understand children). She stood by her sister’s car seat, which was placed in a sling beside the table. I warned her to move away because I was afraid she might accidently hurt her sister. As the words left my mouth, she knocked over the carrier and my 6 month old’s car seat flipped onto the floor. I screamed the shrill mother scream that most moms release when they fear harm may come to their babies. At least 6 people crowded around us immediately. When I realized my 6 month old landed face up, I immediately turned to my 2 year old who was crying. I picked her up, placed her firmly in her chair, and sternly stated this is why it is not okay to be out of your chair! A woman at the table started hugging my 2 year old, comforting her, and asked if she could buy her a cookie. Instantly, I felt like I was being judged for being too harsh with my child…that I should have known how to handle the situation more calmly…that I had somehow traumatized my 2 year old…and basically I was a terrible mom. This folks – is what we psychologists call “catastrophic thinking.” We also say never “should” yourself because it is rarely helpful.

Later today, after my limbic system (emotional part of the brain) had time to cool down, I was able to access the more logical part of my brain that is helpful in reasoning. I realized that I could use a lot of my more general psychological knowledge and counseling skills to personally cope with this situation and improve my parenting. The qualities necessary for being a good psychologist are to view oneself and others with compassion, understanding, empathy, a belief that change is possible, dedication to working with uncertainty rather than fearing it, and excitement that trying something new can result in growth. It’s all about flexibility and assessing what currently is working and what areas need improvement. Regarding today’s situation, I need to maybe use some of the positive reinforcement we previously used with potty training like using a sticker chart and reward system for Hadleigh staying in her seat throughout mealtimes (This comes from the solution focused counseling approach of looking at what has worked in the past that may be helpful currently). Rather than going fully in the direction of barking at my children constantly, so that they learn to fear me and behave perfectly…I also think I need to use a little flexibility in seeing how both more structure and more softness in my demeanor can contribute to a desired outcome. I was pretty harsh in my reprimand to Hadleigh for being out of her seat. This was because I allowed my own emotions of embarrassment and fear to override my rational belief about what a 3 year old needed to hear in this type of situation. I could use some DBT (Dialectical Behavior Therapy) skills like “opposite action to emotion” to remain mindful, aware of how my own activated emotions were interfering, and to choose to be the type of parent that I value (a little ACT – Acceptance and commitment therapy values work). 

One more meandering thought…a wise friend once told me that I would probably be a good parent because the fear of not being a good parent represented how much I cared and would be willing to work at my parenting. I always used this when I had doubts about my ability to be a good psychologist. I know how much I love it, am interested in the study of psychology, and how willing I am to continue to work at it. In my work with clients, I commonly use this to help others overcome anxiety. It’s an ACT principle that we are constantly living our lives in one manner or another – running from something or moving toward something…We are commonly running from anxiety/fear, but if we can find what we want to go after --- that’s the flow, that’s joy, that’s success, and all the sweet things in life.

This Buddha quote has always hung in my office: “Success is not the key to happiness, happiness is the key to success. If you love what you are doing, you will be successful”

Love yourself/Love your profession/Love your marriage/Love parenthood ---- worrying about not being “good enough” or not being “successful” will only interfere. When it really comes down to it – it’s not about success, it’s about love.