The Selfish Pursuit of Motherhood

When I was about 12 years old, I voiced in a Sunday school class that I never wanted to have children. At this point, I do not remember exactly my intention behind this comment, but the reply will stay with me forever. I was told that I was “selfish” and asked the question “what if my parents made that decision.” For a few moments, I thought this was a rhetorical question, but I soon realized my Sunday school classmates and the teacher were waiting on a reply. I think my eyes swelled a little with tears, and I just looked away. It was clear that within my faith and within my community, this was an unacceptable comment. My parents, however, gave me different feedback at home when I told them about the discussion. They both replied that parenthood, although wonderful is also very challenging, and that individuals should be absolutely certain that they want children before bringing them in this world. Despite their small town upbringing and the religious influence of our Southern Baptist Church, my parents have always been quite progressive in their views about my choices as a woman…(minus Dad’s comment about how women should make less money – sometimes he doesn’t think before speaking and he loves a good argument, especially when I’m his opponent). Anyway, the point of this story is that I knew at an early age that the decision to embark on parenthood or remain childless would not be viewed as a personal decision, but something that had the potential to deeply irritate others…something that continues to confuse me.

In my response to this ridiculous question of whether or not women who remain childless are “selfish,” I want to point out the following:

(1)   Childless women who appear anything but selfish -

As a former school counselor and now psychologist, I know many women and men in my profession that care deeply for children and give selflessly to children (or adult children) every day in their professions, but choose to remain childless in their personal lives. It infuriates me to think that individuals would call these friends of mine “selfish” for choosing not to procreate. These counselors spend countless hours of their lives encouraging and supporting children whose parents are (often) too busy at home to provide such attention – yet they are judged because they did not actually give life to these children in a biological sense.

(2)   Mothers who reflect selfishness quite a bit…myself included

I spoke with a mom friend the other day about the possibility of having more children, and our reasons for contemplating a 3rd could be viewed as pretty “selfish.” We both stated that we would like more children because it would be sad to never experience the “firsts” of pregnancy/childbirth/having a newborn again (e.g. the day you find out you’re pregnant, the day the sex is revealed, the excitement of the delivery, and bringing baby home for the 1st time). We also both shared a strong desire to have a table full of our adult children and their families one day. This too could be interpreted as “selfish” – the need to have the love, affection, and admiration of a big family…but what about all those in between years – all the homework, dividing my attention, neglecting the needs of one child in the service of tending to others. I could actually be judged “selfish” whether I decide to have more children or not at this point. Maybe these are just “choices” that do not need to be labeled as “selfish” or “non-selfish.”

(3)   How we can redefine selfishness as women to benefit us all

My mentor Dr. Catherine Cook-Cottone coined the term “healthy selfish” which is probably my favorite term <3 Like all things in life, we need moderation/flexibility when it comes to being selfish. In my opinion (and this blog is only my opinion), we do a huge disservice to our families when we neglect ourselves in an attempt to care only for others. As a therapist providing treatment for “transition to motherhood issues,” I see firsthand the negative impact of not being “selfish.” Having children is hard, not having children is hard, life in general is hard – so, can we all cut ourselves and one another a break? Sometimes we also just ask questions of one another because that’s how we learn and connect, so let’s all try to be a little less sensitive that the world is out to judge our decisions – maybe they are, but maybe they aren’t. We all need to remember that it is human nature to project our own insecurities on to others – just be aware of that little fact. At the end of the day, our life is the story we tell ourselves. I try to interpret the actions of others through the lens that they mean well. At the end of the day and the end of my life, maybe I am right and maybe I am wrong, but either way my life is good because of this approach and that’s all that matters in my book.

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