Reflections of a 31 year old...


My 31st Birthday is this Friday, and so it seems like a perfect time for a little self reflection – a glimpse back at my life over the years and who I’ve become. 

As women, we tend to struggle with growing older…what that looks like…what that means. Last Saturday night, as we gathered with some neighbors for a little happy hour, I was reminded of what life was like in my 20s. As I sat with my daughter bouncing on my lap, a few couples who are friends with our neighbors joined the crowd. The girls were beautiful – the typical kind of socially prescribed beauty – long thin legs, short dresses, high heels, long Blonde flowing hair. The kind of women that make you want to cover your husband’s eyes. We stayed for a short while and then left to attend a local high school’s booster club silent auction, and we said our goodbyes to the young crew who planned to later depart on a party bus to Washington, D.C. for the evening.

On occasions like this, the thoughts that were forever present in my earlier years come back to me…I’d like to go shopping, hit the gym, buy some hair extensions and be the one attracting that kind of attention…but then I reflect a little further…

In my early 20s, I was pretty insecure. My only gage for how much potential I had or how beautiful I was came on occasions like this – where I received attention from others. For me, this felt good at the time – to receive compliments, but self-esteem that is established this way is unsustainable…it was never enough. I think about the type of girlfriend I was to the young men I dated and what kind of a friend I was to others --- and I instantly see how much luckier my now husband and friends are to get to be with the 31 year old version of myself.   

I may not look like the 21 year old version of myself, but I feel good. I can still be fun…at least I think I am – and maybe a little more enjoyable to be around because I’m a lot less self conscious. I no longer feel jealous – okay maybe a little jealous- but not angry or envious of the young girls who attract my attention and the attention of others. I’m beautiful… in a woman, mommy, professional kind of way…and I think that’s very attractive.
Our looks fade, and what people really remember is how we treat them, connect with them, and challenge them. I really believe in that quote:

“Life isn’t about finding yourself, life is about creating yourself.”

I didn’t “find” this 31 year old self, I created her. Who I am today has been shaped as a result of

1)    Trimming back the parts I didn’t like from my teen years (e.g. anxiety, low self-esteem) and my 20s (e.g. competition, jealousy), and rediscovering my childhood self (e.g. fearlessness, confidence).
 
2)    Reinforcing the parts I’ve always liked – determination, caring for others, interest in others.

3)    Being open to discovering new parts of myself: vulnerability and curiosity

I don’t really have a summing it up point to add here because there’s a lot I still need to learn about myself. Essentially, I’m pretty happy to be where I am and excited to see what the next 10 years have to offer.

I guess the only points I want to make are that the following things did not help me become who I am today.

·        Approval from others

·        Achievements

·        Weight loss

These things only served to get me lost a few times…

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