A Mother Addicted to Productivity


Yesterday I enjoyed an afternoon walk and mother/baby play date with a psychologist friend who is also in private practice. We discussed the many benefits of leaving an organization for self-employment such as walking with our children on a Wednesday afternoon…but we also had an honest conversation about motherhood and what it’s like for someone very attached to their career and work identity to experience this shift of spending more time at home.

As I stood there struggling to carry on a conversation and give my daughter a snack/entertain her…I noticed the mother next to us pushing her child in the swing and singing the ABCs. I’ve tried to do this stuff with Hadleigh in the past (really I did…). For example, during the first week of taking her to the babysitter, I sang Old McDonald and the ABCs for a few days…and then I asked myself “what the hell am I doing?!” It felt like it was such an act – because that just isn’t me. You can ask any of the other counselors who were in my play therapy class. They all watched me awkwardly interact with a 3 year old in the play therapy room, while they laughed in amusement from a room nearby. I love babies and toddlers – I think they’re so cute, but basically I don’t know how in the world to really feel “engaged” while playing with them. Sure, I can do it, and I love observing my daughter play – but do I enjoy singing songs and playing hide and go seek with my hands over my face – no, and I think it’s just best to be honest about that.

There is nothing wrong with the mothers who do get their kicks entertaining toddlers, but I just happen to not be one of them. There were a lot of counselors, for example, that I worked with who loved play therapy with the little ones and cringed at the thought of engaging with the belligerent, adolescent middle school kids that I happen to enjoy. The point is that maybe it is best if we embrace what feels authentic.

I’ve learned a lot in the past two weeks since spending more time with my daughter and cognitive flexibility has probably helped the most – going a little beyond my comfort zone in some ways and staying attuned to my own feelings as well. I spoke about the importance of authenticity, and I realized lately that since I’ve started to play with Hadleigh in a way that feels more comfortable to me (less like that lady singing the ABCs in the park) – I’ve felt more engaged with my daughter. I also realized that my addiction to productivity may need to be challenged – I would probably feel “best” if I worked all day every day because I love the feeling of being productive, but this has also been behaviorally reinforced for the past 25 years (e.g. grades, diplomas, salary) --- maybe it’s time to reprioritize and recognize that my career goal has been accomplished– yes, I need to maintain it by providing quality therapy and keeping a set number of hours --- but maybe it’s time to focus on another value.

I probably won’t make as much money as I could….

I won’t have the cleanest house around…

I will not be singing the ABCs at the park…

We will probably never get on a regular schedule of eating dinner every night…

BUT – I will use a little ACT (Acceptance and Commitment Therapy) and

1)      Utilize mindfulness to sit with the discomfort of my anxiety triggered by lack of productivity

2)      Commit to my Values – Career + Family + Happiness

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